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The Tabloid News Edition 5
'FROM THE EDITOR' It seems I’ve taken enough time away from the esteemed Editor’s desk. My mini-vacation has seen a lot of news go by that I could report, but as we all know I prefer to make up my own facts, I mean, RESEARCH everything first. So, without any further delay, on with the news . . . 'DIRTY TRUTH ABOUT THE PRIESTHOOD' In the long tradition of brave journalists, we bring you this controversial story. It is time the truth about the priest hood was told to everyone. And, that sad truth is that no one in The Priesthood has ever been to seminary. Our sources at the Vatican tell us that no record can be found of any member attending any seminary, monastery, or even Sunday School. Further investigation shows that they all became priests by mailing away to the ACME School of Religion and Ordination. So, next time you’re in church, be very careful who you confess to. They may or may not be able to make things right with God for you. 'SAM THE AMERICAN TEDDY BEAR HAS ULTERIOR MOTIVES' The reason for Sam the American Teddy Bear’s recent return the nine cities has been uncovered. It is all part of a diabolical plan to lead a toy revolt, thereby ruining the lives of children everywhere. When these children grow to adulthood, they will go into therapy giving billions of dollars a year to psychologists, psychiatrists, witch doctors, and therapists. Sam plans to open psychiatric clinics all over our fair cities to cash in on the maladjusted lifestyle of these former unhappy children. With Christmas coming, now might be a good time to save money for your very own 47 Enterprises Anti-Revolution Stuffed Monkey. Better than a teddy bear, and will not break your child’s heart. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, Every time I talk to a girl, I get nervous. I say stupid things, and they don’t want to talk to me any more. What should I do? Signed, Lonely in L.A. ----------------------------------------------- Dear Lonely, You’re an idiot. That’s why women don’t like you. Red --------------------------------------------- Dear Red, I’ve been reviewing your advice columns, and I think you lack the tact and diplomacy we want at The Tabloid News. I’m afraid I might have to fire you. Signed, Mr. Pickles ------------------------------------------- Dear Pickles, You’re an idiot. That’s why women don’t like you. Red Ed. Note: Red Watch has been sent on vacation. Maybe she’ll come back nicer. 'MAFIA HUMOUR' Q: How many hit men does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness 'INTERNATIONAL SPY RING FOILED BY MOOSE AND SQUIRREL' Local FBI agents confirmed the capture of two foreign nationals spying on the United States. The two Soviet Bloc agents, named Boris and Natasha, are being detained for further questioning by the CIA. The FBI was tipped off to the actions of these spies by a Moose and Squirrel who for security reasons are remaining nameless. We will continue to follow this story.